Okay, so here I am 35 plus weeks into my third pregnancy. Mostly I don’t really have the time to think about the fact that I am pregnant, with a three year old and a one year old to be worried about all the time. I mean, I always know that I am simply exhausted and sore all the time, but I don’t really have time to think about the amazing thing that is happening inside my body. But, what I have found is that with each pregnancy I have had some crazy, irrational fear. I’m sure this is just another pregnancy symptom that all mothers get but no one talks about. But, I was laying in bed the other night suddenly struck by my irrational fear for this pregnancy and I decided I should just put these fears out there. Maybe someone will laugh at it. Or, maybe someone else who is pregnant and having irrational fears will accidentally stumble upon this and find some relief in the fact that they are not alone. So, here they are:
Pregnancy #1: I was convinced, from the time I took my pregnancy test until the moment I held my daughter in my hand that the doctors were just playing some cruel trick on me. Every time I had an appointment I went in with the expectation that the doctor would look at me and say, “oh, sorry, you are not actually pregnant, you are just getting fat.” Even though I could feel the baby moving inside, even though I could hear the baby’s heartbeat, even though I could feel the contractions, I never really believed that it was real.
Pregnancy #2: Second time around I knew it was the real deal, but that didn’t stop my fears. During my second pregnancy I was convinced that something was going to happen to my baby. Every time I had an appointment I had a sinking feeling that there would simply no longer be a heart beat, or that the heart beat would be irregular, or something. I was convinced that I would either lose my baby or that something terrible would happen and the doctors wouldn’t be able to sustain my baby’s life for very long after birth. In spite of being able to feel the baby moving inside, in spite of hearing a strong heart beat at every appointment, I just felt like something bad would happen.
Pregnancy #3: This time, I know my baby is really there, and I know my baby is healthy. My fear this time is about me. I had myself almost to tears the other night as this fear hit me. My fear this time is that I will not make it through the delivery. I know that it is not as common any more, but I also know that it still happens sometimes. I know my children would be fine if anything were to happen to me, but I don’t want to miss my children growing up, I want to be a part of their lives. This fear is the worst yet, I do not want this to happen to my children. And, even though I know that this is an irrational fear, just like the fears I had during my first and second pregnancies, I just can’t shake it, and I can’t stop thinking about how terrible it would be for my children to have to go through that, and for my husband to have to look after three very young children on his own knowing that the youngest is the reason that I am not there to help. Knowing that there is no life insurance on me to help my husband through it if something did happen. But, it is just an irrational fear, the baby and I are both healthy and will make it through this. Then, one day, maybe, I will look back at these terrible things that I was so worried about and have a little chuckle about how ridiculous it is.