Month: July 2013

So, this weekend, Scott and I went to a hotel for one night and left Lily with her Nana and Gump.  We took her out to my parents’ place right after lunch so she would sleep in the car and then have some play time with us before we had to leave.  She woke up just before we arrived and was pretty groggy for the first little while – she didn’t really want anything to do with her Nana or her Gump.  But, we found her some blocks and she found some crayons and she warmed up to them pretty quickly.  When Scott and I finally decided it was time to leave, she was not a happy camper.  She didn’t cry A LOT, she just had this look on her face like we had broken her heart.  I teared up a bit as we left.

When we got to the hotel the first thing I did was go up to the room and call my parents to see how she was doing.  They told me that they had taken her for a walk, she was waving at all the cars that went by, she got to pet a puppy, and she even asked to be picked up.  She was playing happily, didn’t really care that I was on the phone.  So, Scott and I went to the pool.  We walked into the pool where there were a couple of families in swimming.  One of the families had a little girl who was not much older than Lily.  It made me miss her even more!  They were playing with her in the same way that we play with Lily when we take her to the pool.  But then, Scott and I started throwing a beach ball around and having some fun.  Then we went back up to the room to shower before our dinner.

We went to the fancy restaurant in the hotel.  It was lovely.  I felt SOOOOOO out of place.  They kept bringing us small little palette cleansers between the courses.  It was really nice, but so not us!  The food was DELICIOUS!  And it looked nice, too.  After dinner, I called again to see how Lily did with bed time.  Dad told me that she fussed a bit, but they just read her a couple more books and she went right back to sleep.  It made me feel much better knowing that she went to sleep okay without her regular routine – some parts of her routine just can’t go with her. Then we went to a movie, a late movie, because we could!  We went to see Pacific Rim.  It made me think about Lily because *spoiler alert* one of the main characters flashes back to her childhood and the fear on her face is unbearable.  All I could think was, ‘I never want Lily to ever feel like that!’  But, what can I do?  I will never be able to protect her from EVERYTHING!  That thought was the worst of all, knowing that there are SOOOOOO many things that I can’t protect her from and that one day something beyond my control could make her feel just like that!  But, I sucked it up and watched the whole movie, tried to push those thoughts out of my mind.

After the movie, it was after 11pm, I rarely stay up that late, let alone am out that late.  But, we had a nice leisurely walk back to the hotel.  We got back and watched some tv, which was exciting all in itself because we don’t have cable, so we got to watch commercials, and random shows that we would never otherwise watch.  Then we went to sleep, and in the morning, I woke up, to no screaming!  It was so peaceful.  It WAS 7:30am, but it was peaceful, I was able to just lay in bed and not have to run after Lily or try to keep her out of the room or try to make her breakfast while she throws a tantrum over wanting a bottle and not a cup.  We went for lunch and I went back to the pool, also very peaceful, not many people in the pool in the morning.  Then we slowly got showered and ready to go while we watched some tv and we left a little early because we both missed our little girl!

When we got to my parents’ house they weren’t home.  We waited for them to come back after they ate lunch.  Lily was asleep when they got back, we laid her in the bed (not the play pen) and she slept for at least an hour, and would have slept for more, I am sure.  She got up, still half asleep and cuddled with me for a bit, which was nice.  Then as she woke up she got to playing and eating and all the other things she loves to do.  We had some supper with Nana and Gump, Lily had corn on the cob cut off the cob for the first time.  After supper we stayed for just a little while longer, then when we told Lily it was time to go she did not want to leave.  When we did finally get her out the door, I asked Scott to move the car so I could get her into the car easier, she started freaking out when he got in the car and started driving.  It made me sad, but happy that she did, in fact, want to go home.

Lily’s current favourite activity is building with her blocks.  Anytime that she is not eating, sleeping or out and about with Momma she is playing with blocks.  When she first started building with blocks she would just keep building up the single blocks.  It would get so high and then when she put the block on top it would break which was a little frustrating for her.  Now she uses a larger block as a base and makes sure that all the bumps are covered as she goes.  She builds up one tower, then when she doesn’t have any small blocks left she slowly breaks it down by building a new one.  It’s really interesting to watch!

Very focused on her work!

Taking blocks from one tower to make a new tower!

For anyone who might be checking in on my blog.  Not that I think anyone is.  It has been moved.  And I will be spending the next little while tweaking it to make it look a little nicer.  You can now find me at www.mommaslittlemiracles.com

As Lily’s 18 month birthday approaches, it becomes more and more obvious that she is becoming a toddler!  The past week or so she has decided that temper tantrums are the way to go.  She is still a very happy, silly little girl, but if something doesn’t go just the way she wants she starts to fake cry, if that doesn’t work (which it rarely does, only works if we didn’t understand what she was trying to tell us) she proceeds to throwing her body on the floor or hitting any furniture that is nearby (or a person if she is picked up).  It’s not fun to deal with, but watching her throw tantrums over certain silly things is pretty amusing.  I will be a very happy Momma when this phase passes and she learns to communicate with us using words.  Actual words.  Right now, if we ask her to use her words she squeals, as loud as she can.

There are lots of blogs and websites out there to tell you what a bad parent you are, and why.  There are lots out there to tell you that you are not a bad parent, but only if you are like them.  There are a few out there that will tell you that you are not a bad parent no matter what.  But, as uplifting as those few sites can be for the couple of seconds that you are reading them, there is very little out there to help you beyond that.  Everywhere you turn, there are judgmental comments and faces, or there are the obstacles that you are facing mocking you.

Now, most of my feelings have nothing to do with my parenting.  Although I do often feel judged by other people when in public, I know that Lily is happy and healthy.  I know that even if I let her throw a tantrum in the middle of the mall because she needs to hold my hand and doesn’t want to, or if I accidentally scratch her with my nail as I try to grab her before she falls or runs out into traffic, or if I accidentally knock her over in an attempt to keep her from falling she will forgive me.  She will always give me a hug when I (or she) REALLY need one.  The fact that she runs to me when she is too tired to be social tells me that even though I am not perfect, I am good enough for her, and that’s all that matters to me.

However, as you all likely know, either because you know me personally or because you have read it in earlier posts, or maybe both.  I had a very hard time conceiving.  And, at the time it would seem that everywhere I looked people were getting pregnant, some of them had been trying for a while, but others were mistakes.  And although I wanted very much to be happy for all of them, I found it a lot easier to be happy for those who had been trying, and I found myself angry and resentful of the “oppsies”.  Once I got pregnant though, it didn’t seem to matter anymore if people were trying or if it just happened by mistake, if someone was pregnant I was happy for them!

But now, here I am again.  Lily is almost 18 months, I had hoped to be having a baby around this time so that she would not be TOO used to being an only child.  Up until just the last few months it hasn’t bothered me to discover that I am once again not pregnant.  But the last few months, probably because it is so close to the time I had hoped to be giving birth, it has hit me really hard.  I’m trying not to let it get to me, but it’s not working.  I’ve been trying to do things with Lily, get out, with people.  We go to the Chebucto Family Resource Centre, there are children and Moms there, it’s win-win.  After Christmas I had a really hard time getting back into it, but this month I finally did.  But now, I’m still not pregnant and everyone there seems to be part of these big families that are growing.  They are not necessarily “oopsies”.  But I find myself looking at the Mom of 5 ahead of me, who once told me that she never wanted so many children but the healthcare professionals wouldn’t tie her tubes because she was so young.  And the Mom beside me who has three young children, probably all under the age of 4 (the youngest is in a snuggly on her chest, quite small) who is talking about her ultrasound and that she is 10 weeks along.  And even the woman who is leading our walk has 4 children of her own.  I find myself looking at all these families walking with me and wondering why I can’t find it so easy, why I feel like I’m going to only have one, albeit an amazing one, but just one child.  And wondering why there is no one in this group who seems to relate to me and my situation.

I found when Lily was brand new that I was struggling with a feeling of failure because of having a c-section and not being able to breastfeed.  I decided to start writing this blog, not because I wanted to connect with other mothers who felt the same way, not to complain to or about other people, but just as a way to put those feelings out there to help me cope.  Now, failing at yet another unattainable goal which I have set for myself, I find myself once again feeling like a failure as a Mom and a woman.  With all these feelings of inadequacy resurfacing, I find myself remembering preparing Lily’s formula and reading the bottle that clearly states that breast milk is recommended – because that’s helpful for those of us who didn’t really have a choice.  I find myself wondering where those other Moms are.  The ones that like me feel like a terrible person because they couldn’t offer their baby breast milk but instead had to prepare formula in spite of the notice on the label.  The mothers who had a c-section and felt like less of a woman because of it.  The mothers who are having a hard time conceiving either for the first time or for the ninth time, and feeling like there is something wrong with them.  Why can’t I find those people on this wonderful internet?  It tells me that I am not alone, and yet all those blogs, they are all Moms of more than one child, that never seem to have had any problem, I’m sure some of them just fell and oops, got pregnant, they had their children naturally and breastfed them even though it wasn’t easy at first.  There is a lot of understanding for Moms who DO breastfeed that had a hard time getting started, but I have yet to see one that just plain couldn’t do it, or one about how hard it was to get pregnant, or how hard it was to deal with having a c-section.  Even the people that I talk to in real life who have had c-sections seem to have had no problem coping with it.  Maybe I am alone out here in the land of feeling inadequate…