So, this debate is everywhere. In the hospitals, it is very pro-breastfeeding, with signs that declare Breast is Best or that list all the pros of breastfeeding. In public, Moms are made to feel that feeding their infant is inappropriate and are leaving to run to the restroom to feed their child sitting on a toilet, perhaps wishing they had made the choice to bottle feed instead to avoid this disgusting feeding space. Breastfeeding is emotionally draining on Moms in our society. Bottle feeding is also emotionally draining on Moms. Many bottle feeding Moms did not make the choice lightly, many are bottle feeding because, although breastfeeding is natural, it did not come naturally to them or their child. Many of these Moms feel the disapproving glance of breastfeeding Moms each time they take out a bottle of formula for their child. I know how both these Moms feel, and I want to share that with you.
With Lily, I tried to breastfeed. I may have only tried for a short time, but I stopped because it was obvious that breastfeeding was something that did not come naturally to us. I tried putting a screaming infant to my breast only to have her scream at me until I gave her a bottle. I tried using a contraption that was intended to help us both. I would fill a container with formula, then it had little tubes that ran from the container to my breasts, I would put Lily to the breast as if to breastfeed her, but she would get the formula from the tubes. After a few minutes of her feeding this way I was to close off the tubes to stop the flow of formula. This contraption was supposed to help Lily get used to feeding this way and was supposed to help start my milk flow. I was even told that some mothers in other areas use this contraption when they have adopted a child to induce milk production in spite of not having given birth themselves. Well, this thing did not work for me. I used it for a few days, maybe a week, but when Lily saw me close off the tubes she screamed in my face. She knew, at only a week or so old, that when I closed those tubes she would no longer be fed and she was not okay with that. Neither was I. So, I stopped. I was heartbroken because as I knew, breast is best. I also knew that breastfeeding would create a stronger bond between me and my new infant. I had failed as a mother to give my child what she needed. I probably didn’t deserve that bond that everyone talked about. It took me a few days to come to terms with the decision I had made. But, in the end, my bottle fed baby was two years old before her first trip to the hospital which turned out to be an over-reaction by her mother. I, the non-breastfeeding Mom, still felt a huge bond with my baby, but do you know what is even better? She was able to get that same bonding time with her father and other family members, something that does not happen when breastfeeding. I was also able to get a break once in a while – ‘hey, can you feed the baby for me while I go have a shower?’ A breastfeeding mother does not really have that option. There were times, in the middle of the night especially, where I found myself wishing that I could simply lift my shirt and put her to the breast – 2:00am trying to mix formula with an infant screaming in your ear is not fun! And, no, I did not lose my baby weight easily, in fact, I still have some baby weight from Lily, but I earned that tummy and I wear it with pride. When my two year old looks and me and tells me that I’m pretty or beautiful or whatever other adjective she comes up with, I thank her sincerely; and when that same two year old makes a comment about Mommy’s big tummy, I don’t mind because I know why I have that tummy and I wouldn’t change it for the world!
On the other hand, with Henry, he took to the breast right away. The experience was much different with him. I knew right away that he was doing it right. I had assumed with Lily in the hospital that she was doing it right, too because everyone kept telling me that she looked like she was doing it right. But, when I felt the way that Henry latched, I knew he was doing it right, I didn’t need anyone to tell me. The first couple days were heaven, he was feeding well (and sleeping well) and I was in the hospital where I didn’t feel like I needed to hide to feed my child. At home, it was good, I could sit in the glider in the nursery and comfortably feed my son. It felt so right. Until I left the house. We went to Subway. There are no secluded corners in a Subway where you can breastfeed your child without bringing much attention to it. So, I excused myself to the washroom where I locked myself and my three day old son in the handicapped stall to feed him. This was the first of many public experiences with breastfeeding, and I did not like it. I wanted so badly to have a bottle of formula, just for when we were out in public. But, I refused to even tempt fate with formula out of fear that he would not go back to the breast once he had formula. Then, my milk came in. A couple days of pain, I went through that with Lily, too, even though she did not breastfeed successfully. I figured I could deal with it. What I didn’t realise was that this was also the time that my nipples were going to be feeling the effects of breastfeeding as well, double the pain! My breasts were sore from engorgement and my nipples were sore from being dry and cracked – I dreaded every feed. I knew this wouldn’t last, so I pushed through it and I made it to the other side. Then, Henry got sick. Back to the hospital for a few days while they monitor him. Again, I was feeling great, breastfeeding is greatly accepted in the hospital. Not long after returning home, however, I get mastitis. I know many women go through this and a lot of them continue to breastfeed through it. I am not one of those women. I woke up in the middle of the night from the pain. I listened carefully for any noises Henry might make – he wasn’t making any noises. In the back of my mind, I felt relieved, and thought that it would be nice if he simply did not wake up so that I would not have to feed him. Now, this is a normal reaction for a Mom of a newborn with mastitis, or even in those few days of engorgement when her milk comes in. But, for the same reason that I had the thought, I made the decision that I could not continue to exclusively breastfeed my son. The hormones that caused me to, for a split-second, hope for my infant’s death also caused me to burst into tears over it and call it quits.
Now, I have the best of both worlds. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight thanks to breastfeeding. I no longer feel like Henry is solely dependent upon me; when he cries I am not the only person who can help him out. I can make a decision when I am in public to bottle feed if I am in a space where I am uncomfortable breastfeeding I can simply take out a bottle. When I feed him with a bottle he looks up at me, probably the best bonding time ever! So, what I am trying to say is, if you choose to bottle feed or you simply find that breastfeeding does not come naturally to you and your child, don’t get upset, it is okay! If you are a breastfeeding mother and you see a mother who is bottle feeding, think about the looks that are on your face, there is no reason for mothers to make each other feel bad about the parenting decisions they have made. If you see someone breastfeeding in public, don’t stare, you can talk to them as though what they are doing is normal, because it is. Make sure you make the choices that are going to be the best for you and your child, don’t worry about what other people think; it is not their life, they can make whatever choices work for them, but you are doing what is best for you!