So, this blog was intended to be an outlet where I could revel over my new baby’s (now big girl’s) accomplishments, rant about the stresses of being a Mom and basically just release my emotions to an audience that is interested rather than putting my whole life out there for everyone on Facebook. I know not all my “friends” on Facebook have even the slightest interest in the things I write about here. I still post some things on Facebook, but I am trying to keep the full stories to my blog. That being said, I find it much easier to post a short note in my status on Facebook than to sit down and actually write something that is even remotely interesting to anyone. Although, I’m not sure how concerned I am about my posts being interesting, I suppose it’s more the length of my posts that stops me from writing more frequently. ANYWAY…It has been a while, and there has been quite a lot happening since I last posted.
New tricycle from the Easter Bunny
I suppose the first thing I should say is that Lily is potty trained! Yay! She still has an accident once in a while and doesn’t always make it to the toilet before a little pee comes out; but as far as I am concerned, she is finished potty training. She even makes it through most nights without any accidents. That makes me one happy Momma! Especially with the new one on the way. She is actually so potty trained that when we were watching old videos the other day from when she was just starting to climb the stairs she told me that “the baby” was going to the potty (she did not believe that it was me). When I told her that it was her, but she was not on the way to the potty because at that time she was still wearing diapers, she replied, “I don’t wear diapers. I wear panties.” That’s my big girl and I am so proud of her!
Next, we had our first hospital visit last month. It’s great, I suppose, that we had no reason to take her in before she was 2 years old. However, I was really hoping to avoid the hospital for her whole childhood. I know, unrealistic, but a Mom can dream, can’t she? She had a rather high fever for most of a day, and in the middle of the night, when her fever returned after having had medicine earlier that evening, I noticed that she was breathing really fast, not to mention she would not stay asleep for more than half an hour at a time. So, this worried Momma called 811. I am so grateful for this service. Knowing that I am a worrier, I always have been, calling 811 before pulling my sick toddler who needs to rest out of bed and rushing her to the hospital is so much better. I have avoided a few unnecessary hospital trips in Lily’s life thanks to 811. Well, that morning, it was about 5:00am when I was talking to the nurse, I was advised to take Lily into the hospital for assessment because of her rapid breathing. The nurse forwarded our information to the IWK Health Centre and off I went with my sick little girl to the hospital. When we got there, the triage nurse decided that Lily had croup. Now, I understand that croup is very common in young children, its symptoms include fever and trouble breathing, I understand why she came to this conclusion. However, Lily did not cough while we were talking to the triage nurse, nor did I ever say anything about Lily sounding like she could not breathe. When I told the triage nurse that the reason I called 811 was for the fever she seemed shocked that Lily’s breathing didn’t get my attention first. The triage nurse, for whatever reason, had assumed that Lily had been gasping for breath when in fact she was simply breathing rapidly. I was made to feel like a terrible mother for not noticing my daughter’s unusual breathing sooner, since I didn’t actually notice the difference in her breathing until I was sitting on the floor in front of her talking on the phone with the nurse. Well, I went on, feeling like a bad mother and assuming that the triage nurse was right and Lily had croup. Well, Lily did not have croup. We saw two or three doctors that morning, I’m sad to say I can’t remember the exact number, and none of them thought Lily had croup. They told me it was likely a virus and all I could do was give Lily Tylenol to keep her fever down and her breathing normal. They watched her for most of the morning with no medicine, until about 8:00am when they finally gave her some Tylenol, the Tylenol lowered her fever which lowered her heart-rate which slowed her breathing. She was on Tylenol the rest of the day and after a couple days was back to her usual self. But, the moral of my story here is, a triage nurse should never make a diagnosis, nor should they ever make a parent or patient feel like they are bad people for waiting to call 811 or to come into the hospital. Since this visit, Lily has been playing doctor a lot, I find it very sweet. She pretends to take her temperature with whatever she happens to have around, she has also tried to listen to the dog’s heartbeat and she pretends to give all her toys medicine. It’s pretty sweet.
Lily’s first visit to the hospital in her hospital gown
For Christmas, Lily and I got a pair of tickets to see the Backyardigans live on stage from her Nana and Gump. We went with my Mom, my two sisters and Lily’s five youngest cousins (her oldest cousin is a little too big for Backyardigans, now). Lily didn’t really know who the Backyardigans were before going to the show. She was excited to go, she loves going places and being with other people. Nana bought her a light wand which was very exciting. When the show started she pretended it was a remote control and tried to change it to Nemo. But, she was not disappointed with the show, there was a lot of singing and dancing, it kept her attention pretty well. After the show she noticed that one of her cousins was wearing a Backyardigans sweater, she decided she wanted one, too. I took her back to the merchandise table to get her a shirt, I let her pick what she wanted, she picked out a blue t-shirt. She loves it! She wears it as soon as it is clean. Her Nana also bought her a water bottle. I told her we would use it for her water when we go to gymnastics. She gets so excited to take her Tyronne cup every week; the first week she drank ALL the water from her Tyronne cup before we got home from gymnastics.
Playing with her light wand, aka remote control
Lily participated in her first dance competition this month. Last year she wanted to have a turn on the stage at every event I took her to. So, I decided this year I would let her have a turn. She was a little overwhelmed by the large stage, but she did it. She stuck close to the curtains and close to Momma, but she went out on that stage and was the cutest little butterfly that I have ever seen! She won a gold medal for her performance and a first place overall for the novice 6 and under solos (of which I believe she was the only one) and a special award for being Super Cute. She doesn’t really understand what the medals are for, but she does know that she has these really cool medals and that she had a lot of fun on the stage.
All ready to go on the stage
Medals and flowers from her competition
Now for a little bit of Momma emotions. I’m currently in the busiest time of the year for dance. This is the time of year when I stress out about competitions and dance exams. It is also the time of year I start preparing for the next dance season – I start listening for new songs, thinking about what dancers should be in which classes, talking to dancers about solos they would like to do the next year. This year, however, I have the stresses of dance exams and competitions, but I don’t have the next dance season to look forward to. I find that I am now looking ahead to the following dance season when I will be getting back to teaching. I am also thinking about next year and how hard it will be to not be dancing or teaching in the fall. This will be the first year in 28 years that I will not be dancing or teaching dance, at all. I feel like I will be losing a part of me for a whole year. And, I know that when this baby comes, I won’t be thinking much about dance, but I will be feeling like I’ve lost who I am, and not getting back into dance is going to make that so much harder.
I was also on the IWK Health Centre website this morning. Looking at the patient handbook. Reading about what I need to bring and what I need to do before going to the hospital. Reading about all the things they do during your stay. I found myself, as I was reading, thinking about how everything went down when Lily was born. There were so many mixed emotions. I was feeling nostalgic for those days when Lily was brand new, when we didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into or the joys that the small little being would bring us over the next two years. I was also feeling a little anxious about how things will go down this time. Knowing the experience I had when Lily was born, I found myself dreading the same experience this time. Being in the birthing unit for more than 24 hours with little to no progress. Being told after so many long hours of labour that I was going to have to have an epidural in case of a c-section, that they were going to screw a monitor into the top of my unborn baby’s head, that in the end, I was to have a c-section. All those emotions came flooding back. Then, as I read on, it says something about them promoting breast-feeding and helping patients make informed decisions, or something along those lines anyway. I started thinking back to how much trouble I had trying to nurse Lily and how the nurses all seemed to tell me something different. Then to the nurse that came to my home and tried to give me different options the first day she saw me, ‘you know there are other options, you could try a cup.’ Lily was taking a bottle fine, that wasn’t the problem, the problem was that I wanted to nurse her, because that is what is best for my child. Then, when I spoke to her on the phone and told her I had made the decision to formula-feed Lily to minimize the stress I was feeling, she made me feel like I was making the wrong decision – luckily, I had already come to terms with the decision that I had made and did not let her make me feel bad for my decision. But, that was just one nurse, who seemed to be contradicting herself. It was such a stressful time for me, and I was so emotional. And now, knowing that this baby is going to come in three short months, I’m starting to feel anxious about all those things, all the extra stresses that are not even necessary. But, I was also hit with a bit of excitement as I was reading. Because, as scary as it is that I may end up having another c-section, or I may end up having difficulty breast-feeding again, or that some other complication may come up, I know that in three short months I will be welcoming a new life into our family! And, no matter how everything goes down, it will all seem so insignificant once I get to know this new little person.
It’s hard to believe sometimes how many emotions flow through me all at once. I never felt anything like the way it feels to be a Mom before in my life. I could never have imagined the range of emotions that mothers feel. And, now, realising all of that, I feel really bad for my own Mom. I never understood how she felt about us, and I never realised that I didn’t feel the same way for her. But, she knew it, all along. And that, right there, is probably the hardest thing.