There are lots of blogs and websites out there to tell you what a bad parent you are, and why. There are lots out there to tell you that you are not a bad parent, but only if you are like them. There are a few out there that will tell you that you are not a bad parent no matter what. But, as uplifting as those few sites can be for the couple of seconds that you are reading them, there is very little out there to help you beyond that. Everywhere you turn, there are judgmental comments and faces, or there are the obstacles that you are facing mocking you.
Now, most of my feelings have nothing to do with my parenting. Although I do often feel judged by other people when in public, I know that Lily is happy and healthy. I know that even if I let her throw a tantrum in the middle of the mall because she needs to hold my hand and doesn’t want to, or if I accidentally scratch her with my nail as I try to grab her before she falls or runs out into traffic, or if I accidentally knock her over in an attempt to keep her from falling she will forgive me. She will always give me a hug when I (or she) REALLY need one. The fact that she runs to me when she is too tired to be social tells me that even though I am not perfect, I am good enough for her, and that’s all that matters to me.
However, as you all likely know, either because you know me personally or because you have read it in earlier posts, or maybe both. I had a very hard time conceiving. And, at the time it would seem that everywhere I looked people were getting pregnant, some of them had been trying for a while, but others were mistakes. And although I wanted very much to be happy for all of them, I found it a lot easier to be happy for those who had been trying, and I found myself angry and resentful of the “oppsies”. Once I got pregnant though, it didn’t seem to matter anymore if people were trying or if it just happened by mistake, if someone was pregnant I was happy for them!
But now, here I am again. Lily is almost 18 months, I had hoped to be having a baby around this time so that she would not be TOO used to being an only child. Up until just the last few months it hasn’t bothered me to discover that I am once again not pregnant. But the last few months, probably because it is so close to the time I had hoped to be giving birth, it has hit me really hard. I’m trying not to let it get to me, but it’s not working. I’ve been trying to do things with Lily, get out, with people. We go to the Chebucto Family Resource Centre, there are children and Moms there, it’s win-win. After Christmas I had a really hard time getting back into it, but this month I finally did. But now, I’m still not pregnant and everyone there seems to be part of these big families that are growing. They are not necessarily “oopsies”. But I find myself looking at the Mom of 5 ahead of me, who once told me that she never wanted so many children but the healthcare professionals wouldn’t tie her tubes because she was so young. And the Mom beside me who has three young children, probably all under the age of 4 (the youngest is in a snuggly on her chest, quite small) who is talking about her ultrasound and that she is 10 weeks along. And even the woman who is leading our walk has 4 children of her own. I find myself looking at all these families walking with me and wondering why I can’t find it so easy, why I feel like I’m going to only have one, albeit an amazing one, but just one child. And wondering why there is no one in this group who seems to relate to me and my situation.
I found when Lily was brand new that I was struggling with a feeling of failure because of having a c-section and not being able to breastfeed. I decided to start writing this blog, not because I wanted to connect with other mothers who felt the same way, not to complain to or about other people, but just as a way to put those feelings out there to help me cope. Now, failing at yet another unattainable goal which I have set for myself, I find myself once again feeling like a failure as a Mom and a woman. With all these feelings of inadequacy resurfacing, I find myself remembering preparing Lily’s formula and reading the bottle that clearly states that breast milk is recommended – because that’s helpful for those of us who didn’t really have a choice. I find myself wondering where those other Moms are. The ones that like me feel like a terrible person because they couldn’t offer their baby breast milk but instead had to prepare formula in spite of the notice on the label. The mothers who had a c-section and felt like less of a woman because of it. The mothers who are having a hard time conceiving either for the first time or for the ninth time, and feeling like there is something wrong with them. Why can’t I find those people on this wonderful internet? It tells me that I am not alone, and yet all those blogs, they are all Moms of more than one child, that never seem to have had any problem, I’m sure some of them just fell and oops, got pregnant, they had their children naturally and breastfed them even though it wasn’t easy at first. There is a lot of understanding for Moms who DO breastfeed that had a hard time getting started, but I have yet to see one that just plain couldn’t do it, or one about how hard it was to get pregnant, or how hard it was to deal with having a c-section. Even the people that I talk to in real life who have had c-sections seem to have had no problem coping with it. Maybe I am alone out here in the land of feeling inadequate…