Okay, so a lot of people (my husband, specifically) might say, ‘you’re a woman, you were always an emotional basket case.’ To them, I would say you just don’t know me very well then. Yes, as a woman, I am a little more emotional than most men, but I was never THIS bad. I would also like to say that I took pride in the fact that, for a woman, I was relatively emotionally stable. Yes, I had my ups and downs, I went through some rather dark days in my past, but generally speaking I have always been quite stable and more often than not a bubbly, happy person. My husband tells me that in comparison to most women he knows, I am not greatly affected by PMS – my mood does not generally change at this point in my cycle. This being said, I have noticed some disturbing emotional changes since I have given birth to my beautiful baby girl.
There was a time in my life when I could watch “chick flicks” with some ‘awe’ moments and maybe getting a little teary-eyed. Now, my emotions are no longer limited to a small amount of moisture clouding my vision. No, now, when anything sad or even exceptionally happy happens in a movie you can see TEARS running down my face, at times I find myself fighting back SOBS! What is this?!?
Okay, so that’s movies, that’s Hollywood, they are PAID to make the emotional women of their audiences cry, I can handle that. Enter YouTube! Have you seen this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPDXmbaXvgw? Or how about this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NjKgV65fpo? Well, I have. Before Lily, I could have watched those and gotten a little teary-eyed and thought to myself, ‘how sweet’ or ‘it’s so nice that they have done that to preserve their memories.’ Not anymore, now, I couldn’t finish watching because I was crying too hard! What has happened to me?!?
As if that is not enough! I am heading into town with Lily to buy some food for the dog and some birthday presents for my nephew. As I am driving, it is a long drive into town, lots of time to think, I start thinking about my wonderful daughter who is sitting in the backseat being so well-behaved, as usual. I start thinking about her whole life, and how it all began, the moment in the hospital when she was laid on my chest for the first time, I started to tear up. I couldn’t help myself. Before she was born, I could look back on those big, important moments in my life and not cry, simply sigh or smile with nostalgia.
Before Lily was born, I had been told so many times, when you have a child of your own it will change your perspective, only then will you be able to understand what it feels like to be a Mom. I felt like because I was not a Mom yet I was being told that I was incapable of having empathy for the parents of the children in my care and that because I was not yet a mother I was an inferior caregiver. I took offense to this, I felt defensive about it; the children in my care meant the world to me, I thought about them when I wasn’t at work, worried about them as though they were my own, this to me felt like the closest I could be to them and to feeling empathy for their parents. Now, in retrospect, I understand, not being a mother did not make me inferior, nor did I need to feel defensive about the comments; I simply was not capable of understanding the love that those parents feel for their children. I read something on Facebook that I feel says it all, before I became a mother I did not know how it felt to have my heart on the outside of my body.
I don’t entirely agree with all the statements, but I do now understand the sentiment.