So, when Lily was first born, I started this blog as a way to let out how I was feeling about the circumstances surrounding her birth and then to use later as a way of communicating what is happening in her life without having to fill up my facebook page with constant status updates. I do still update my status about her constantly, but the whole story usually doesn’t come out until I have time to put it here. I did not realize, however, that I would continue having problems dealing with her birth this far along.
I am getting used to being a Mommy, and I am happy that she is here in spite of how it all happened. Now, I am starting to think about the next one. I never wanted to have just one child, I want Lily to have at least one sibling to play with, to learn to share with, and to help her understand that, no, the world does not revolve around her – I know, she will never fully understand this, I don’t think any of us do, but I do know it helps. Now that I am more comfortable caring for Lily, I find that I am not worrying about what comes next for her; now I am beginning to worry about what comes next for me. At some point, I will be pregnant again. When that time comes there will be many decisions to make, and I don’t know if I am prepared to make those decisions yet.
After Lily was born, I took comfort in the fact that when the next baby comes I would have the opportunity to try for a vaginal birth again. Now that I am starting to look to the future instead of being stuck in the right now, I find that I am terrified about what will happen. I know that I want to try for a vaginal birth, that is not a question. But, I also want to be prepared for if that can’t happen. Knowing that Lily was rather stuck when they cut me open makes me believe that the next one will be as well. So now, I have to think about if I want to plan for a c-section on a specific date after the due date or if I just want to play it all by ear, knowing that if I play it by ear I may end up having a c-section in the middle of the night again. Then, I have to think about the drugs. I wasn’t okay with the epidural, and every time that I think about getting another epidural it makes me not want to have another child just to avoid it. I don’t know anyone else who feels this way about the epidural, either. Everyone else I know with children, even if they went in not wanting the epidural, said that it was the best thing ever and most told me to ask for it as soon as I went into the hospital. I don’t want to be unconscious for the first few hours of the next baby’s life, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can put myself through that again. I know, I have a lot of time to figure this all out, but I feel like I need to know what I want before I get pregnant so that I can talk to my doctor about it when the time comes. I am also a little worried about the recovery time. My scar is still very tender, I found that my seat belt was irritating it when we drove to Ontario, and I am still wearing my maternity clothes because it hurts to have normal waist bands across it.
I know, this was a lot of blabbering about something that I don’t even have to worry about yet, but I find myself thinking about it a lot, and the older Lily gets the more I think about it. I don’t want her to be old enough to remember being the only child when we have a second baby, that means it will need to happen sooner than later. I know that most people who read this wont be able to relate at all, but I just needed to get it out of my head.
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