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Okay, I’m a little late with this post, but I’m finding that it is actually a lot more difficult to find time for this than I had been expecting.

Lily’s first Easter was a lot of fun.  I was VERY excited even though I knew she wasn’t going to understand what was going on.  On the Saturday, we went to my parents’ house for dinner.  When we got home I pulled out Lily’s Easter basket to take pictures of Lily in it before it was left for the Easter Bunny.  It was close to midnight when Lily went to bed for the evening.  I stayed up to fill her basket.  I thought that was very fun, going through all the things I had bought again and putting it into her basket to make it look nice.  I went to bed feeling like I had done a great job and excited for Lily and Scott to see what the Easter Bunny left for her.

In the morning, when Lily woke up, I was very excited to go downstairs.  I remember, even as I got older and didn’t believe in the Easter Bunny anymore, it always seemed magical to wake up in the morning to the full basket.  This year, however, since I was the one who filled it, the magic wasn’t there.  I felt a little disappointed that everything was still in the same place that I had put it before bed.  After Lily was fed and changed, we woke up Scott so she could look through her basket.  I sat with Lily on my lap and pulled everything out one at a time and showed it to her.  Since she was on my lap I couldn’t actually see her reactions to anything.  Scott took pictures of everything.  When I went through the pictures later, I was amazed to see how aware she was of everything.  She was focusing on all the things I pulled out of the basket.  She was looking at the pictures in the books as I read to her, like she understood that I was reading from the books about the pictures.

It was a very exciting Easter for me!  I can’t wait to see how she is at Christmas!

Today, I took Lily to the movies.  We went to see Mirror, Mirror at Empire Theatres.  It was a Reel Babies showing, so the movie was played a little quieter than normal and the lights were on a bit so I could see the baby and they had change tables set up in the theatre.  It was really nice to get out and do something social and not feel like everyone else who was there was staring at me because my baby was crying.  It was also really nice to have one of the well-behaved babies there.  I hope she doesn’t pick up some of the cries that she was exposed to there, there were some very loud unhappy babies there.  But, it was nice because everyone was in the same situation, we all had to stop watching to feed our babies or change our babies, or get up and move around to rock the babies to sleep.  So, although we were doing things that would normally be frowned upon at the movies, it wasn’t there because EVERYONE was doing it.  It made me chuckle when the please no talking ad came on, I would like to know how they think a bunch of new moms and their babies are going to stay quiet through a movie!  Lily really seemed to enjoy it, too.  She was awake for most of the movie and even watched the screen for some of it.  Of course, what infant wouldn’t, it’s lots of moving lights and shadows.  All in all, a great outing and I can’t wait to do it again!

Yesterday, Lily turned 2 months.  We had her monthly check up where she weighed in at 11 pounds and 9 ounces.  She is now only in the 73% instead of the 85%.  I’m not worried about that though, she’s still a big girl!  She was also given her immunizations yesterday.  That was probably the hardest thing about the appointment.  The first immunization was oral, and is only being offered free for a short time, so she may be my only child to receive it…but it wasn’t so bad, the doctor was putting drops into her mouth trying to convince her to swallow while Lily looked back at her with a look that said, ‘WTF are you doing?!?’  Then, when she finally did swallow a little bit of it she gave the doctor a big smile, it must have tasted good.  The second one was a needle, she let out a small cry, more like a whine then a cry.  The doctor told me that the last one was the one that would hurt most, that was why she was giving it to her last.  I gave Lily a big hug and tried to make her look in the other direction.  It didn’t help though, she let out a loud, high-pitched screech.  I felt terrible that she was in so much pain.  I gave her more cuddles for a minute, she cried the whole time, then I laid her down to get her dressed again and she looked at me with big smiles.  That made me feel much better, she had forgotten about the pain already!  The doctor warned that she might get a fever a few hours later, so I watched her all day for signs of a fever or signs that she wasn’t feeling well, but nothing, she did great!

Right now, Lily is laying in my arm, sleeping on my shoulder while I type with one hand.  It is these moments I love the best about my new life as a Mom.  Lately I have been having a hard time getting her to sleep through the day when we are at home.  She will fall asleep in the car and stroller quite quickly with very little argument, but when we are at home she will scream at me for hours trying to convince me that she is truly not tired.  Today however, she had a short nap on my in the morning, then a 2 hour nap in her bassinet and now she is sleeping on me again.  I’d like to get to a point where she has regular naps in her crib so that I will be free to do what needs to get done around the house without worrying about being too far away from her while she sleeps.  When she is in her bassinet I feel like I need to stay upstairs as much as possible so I will hear her when she wakes up, and if she falls asleep in her swing I feel like I need to stay downstairs in case she wakes up.  Maybe I’m being a little irrational about it because she’s my first, but I want to be right there when she wakes up.

I’m very excited for her first Easter!  At first I wasn’t sure that the Easter Bunny would come to her this year because she is too little to know the difference.  But, we decided that the Easter Bunny should come anyway, and I’ve gone slightly overboard with it.  But, I have decorated a basket for her to use every Easter, and there are lots of fillin’s for it.  I wasn’t really sure what I could get to fill her basket at first, she can’t eat anything solid – let alone junk food, and she isn’t really into toys yet, she hasn’t quite mastered reaching out and grabbing things yet, so I decided that it should be filled with practical things like diapers, wipes, formula and bottles, but in the end it’s about a half and half split, she’s getting some new soothers (all one piece to avoid the choking hazard), some new bottles for when she can’t use the little bottles anymore, a bunch of clothes, some headbands, a couple books and a couple toys as well as a Bumbo which will not fit in her basket.  I thought I was done, but then I remembered that I had planned to put some formula in there, too, so I guess I am ALMOST done preparing for Easter.  I am hoping to take her to see the Easter Bunny at the mall for a picture this week, it is her very first Easter after all.

It has been a while since my last post.  It gets very busy with a little baby all day long.  When I started this blog I figured I would have some time while she napped to do a little write up everyday.  Unfortunately, I’m finding she rarely naps long enough for me to load or unload the dishwasher let alone write a blog post.  Last night we had a rough night, the house was very cold and we were all too tired to realise that the cold was waking her up in her bassinet.  We have gotten quite used to her going into her bassinet in one or maybe two tries and sleeping through the night.  Last night I tried to put her in her bassinet about six times with no luck before we realised that it was the temperature in the room that was the problem, poor girl.

Since my last post, we have taken Lily swimming for the first time, got family photos done, I have taken her to the beach and for a walk with the dog at Shubie Park.  It’s very nice to have my independence back, I like being able to put her in her car seat and head out if I want to.  I am looking forward to having some play dates in the near future, I have quite a few friends on facebook with young infants that we can get together with, it is important to me that she grows up with other children her age.  Hopefully, she will make some lifelong friends right away, I know not really right away because right now she does not have the social ability to make friends, but I do hope that we will continue to have play dates with some of these people so that she will have some best friends.

Swimming.  I was very nervous taking her swimming for the first time.  Especially after having my friends on facebook warn me that she is not supposed to go into a pool until she is three months old.  I did do some research on the internet and found that it should be okay, but I was still a little weary, especially since she still hasn’t had her vaccinations yet.  When we got there she seemed to enjoy it so much that it made me feel a little silly for being so nervous about it.  I did watch her for a couple days after to make sure she didn’t catch anything while we were there.  We have since gone back to the pool.  I was much less concerned about it the second time.  There were much fewer people there the second time as well, so I think she found it more enjoyable, too.  She was smiling with us and chatting a little, too.  She even managed to stay in the pool for close to an hour before she started getting fussy.  I am very happy that she seems to enjoy the pool so much, I want her to love swimming as much as I always did growing up.

Family pictures.  We went to Sears for our pictures because I had found a pretty good coupon on their website.  I made an appointment for 3pm in hopes that she would have woken up from a nap around 2pm and had a bottle and diaper change to be ready for pictures.  However, the photographer at Sears was new to Sears and it was her first day in the studio alone.  Needless to say, she was running behind schedule.  We didn’t get in until after 4pm.  Lily was a trooper though.  She stayed awake for all the pictures and her fussiness was minimal.  We got some really nice pictures, I had hoped for some more original shots of her, but she is beautiful in all the pictures anyway.

The beach and Shubie Park.  Before Lily, we would take Sasha (the dog) to the beach or the park and let her go without a leash.  Neither one of us really likes to have her on a leash because she tends to choke herself and it’s really hard to watch.  With Lily, I don’t feel comfortable taking Sasha off the leash because I can’t take off in any direction to go after her when she sees another dog, I have to stay with the baby.  Sasha doesn’t really understand, so her time at the beach and in the park was not as much fun as she would have liked.  I felt like I had accomplished something by being able to get myself together to get the dog and the baby to the park and the beach and get us all home safely afterward.

On the weekend I finally broke down and put Lily in size 3 clothes.  She has been big enough for a couple of weeks, I think, but I was in denial that she was so big.  They fit her perfectly, so I decided yesterday that I should go through her clothes and get rid of anything that is too small or that I know I wont wear on her.  I put tons of onesies in the bag, I think she has only worn a handful of onesies, she is always in sleepers, there is no need for onesies.  And I found a lot of sleepers that she had never worn as well.  I found that I liked a few sleepers on her a lot so I just kept putting the same clothes on her over and over again.  So then, I went through the 3-6 month clothes that she has, again, lots of sleepers, which is mostly what she wears, but now I have the option of putting her in pants and shirts and dresses, too.  So, I now have a need for the onesies, but I had maybe 5 pairs of pants (that didn’t already have a onesie with them) and three stacks of onesies, so I kept 2 onesies for each pair of pants and then I kept another stack of onesies for just in case.  I put probably 20 size 3-6 month onesies away.  Everyone kept telling me when I was pregnant, ‘Oh, you can never have too many onesies.’  I disagree, I can’t put her in just a onesie, it’s too cold outside, and even if it wasn’t too cold, I still wouldn’t put her in just a onesie, so without something to wear it with, onesies are redundant.  And, that is my clothing rant for the day.

Yesterday Lily was 1 month old.  It is absolutely amazing to me how fast the time has gone.  The memories of disappointment, fear and feelings of inadequacy at the hospital have faded into the background and been replaced with excitement, anticipation and love as I look forward to what is to come.  We went to the doctor in the morning yesterday, she has gained 1 pound and 4 ounces since she was born and has only grown 3/4 of an inch.  In the past month, Lily has been shopping, to restaurants, for a walk in the park, and to visit the babies at my work.  She has been visited by family and friends and surrounded by love.  She has gone from sleeping most of the day in 2 hour chunks waking up for food and diaper changes to staying awake for most of the morning with a cat nap or two, having a long mid-day nap, staying awake for most of the afternoon and evening, having another long nap in the evening, waking up for a bottle and diaper change and then sleeping for 6 hours.  She recognizes the sound of her bottle being mixed, it actually helps to calm her down before she is fed; she knows her change table and becomes more calm as we climb the stairs because she knows that she will be more comfortable soon.  It is amazing how much she has grown and how much she has already learned.

Yesterday she napped in her crib for the first time.  It was very exciting for me to be able to put her in her crib and use the new monitor that I was so excited about when it was purchased.  At the same time, however, it felt a little scary to leave her in a room and rely on such a small piece of technology to let me know when she was awake.  To top of that scary feeling, the sound on my wonderful new monitor was cutting in and out, so I was not always able to hear the sounds in her room.  Because of this problem, I found myself sitting and watching her sleep, wondering if she was actually awake and fussing but I could not hear her.  I would run upstairs periodically through her nap just to check if she was still asleep.  In the end, the monitor did have sound when she was waking and proved quite useful while she was asleep.  It has a little light that flashes each time she moves, so I was able to see how she was breathing while she was sleeping and I was also able to see her moving each time she would fuss.  I’m not sure how comfortable I will be with this monitor when I am relying on it to wake me in the night when she wakes up.

I am slowly getting used to the idea of being home all day with a new baby.  It is really helpful that she is now staying awake for longer periods and then having longer naps.  It is also helpful that in the morning, after sleeping for about 6 straight hours, she wakes up full of smiles.  I think she has gotten used to her morning routine, we are still working on the rest of the day, but for 2, maybe 3 hours in the morning, she is quite content.

I find myself looking at her from time to time with disbelief that I actually gave birth to her.  For most of my pregnancy I kept expecting someone, probably my doctor, to sit me down and tell me that I wasn’t really pregnant, that I was in fact just getting fat.  Now that my stomach is starting to heal, the memories of giving birth to her are starting to fade and feel less real.  If I really think hard about it I can remember it quite vividly, but when I look at her, it’s sometimes like she can’t possibly be mine, like her real mom or dad will be here to pick her up soon.  Then I realize that’s me and Scott, and we’re already here.  It’s really a very strange feeling.

Okay, so after having a c-section, which is apparently the same for any major surgery, I was not allowed to drive for 2 to 3 weeks.  I am also not to lift anything heavier than my child and refrain from too much strenuous activity for about 6 weeks or until the doctor gives me the okay.  This makes outings alone very tricky, Lily in a car seat carrier weighs more than Lily, the stroller in the trunk of my car weighs more than Lily, this makes any outings with Lily near impossible on my own.

Yesterday, Lily had her first trip to the mall.  I drove, for the first time in over a month, which is scary enough on its own, and then you add having a new baby in the backseat.  Luckily, she slept for the drive to the mall.  I was able to go on this outing without Scott because I was meeting my mother and sister at the mall who offered to help get Lily out of the car and into the stroller, all I had to do was call when I arrived.  Unfortunately, I realized on my way to the mall that my phone had no battery power, the rest of the drive to the mall I spent trying to figure out how I would find them when I got there.  I decided I would try to park near their cars and hope that someone passing by would allow me to use their phone.  I was pleasantly surprised to find them waiting in the parking lot for me, no need to panic after all.

We didn’t do much shopping, but it was very nice to be out of the house.  Lily got to meet two of her cousins for the first time ever.  Her 2 1/2 year old cousin, Jack, was quite taken by her.  He would run back and forth between my stroller and my sister’s stroller, just to take a look at her.  Lily has an elephant clip for her soother that is attached to her car seat carrier; Jack noticed the elephant and explained to me that Lily is happy because she has an elephant.  When we were eating lunch, Jack helped feed Lily her bottle between playing with his rice and asking to try everyone’s lunch – with great manners, of course.

After the mall, we went to Costco to meet my other sister and her 4 children.  Lily met all these cousins when we were at the hospital, but they are all still pretty taken with her.  Her oldest cousin, Xavier, walked with me the whole time.  He told me that Lily was very cute, and kept holding her hand in awe at how small her fingers are.  Her daughter, Kiara, kept running between me and my sister.  She would peak at Lily, hoping every time that she would be awake, she asked me why Lily never wakes up.  She tried to play with Lily with the elephant clip, and later, when we went back to the mall, she tried to play with Lily with the small fry build-a-bears that Mom had bought for them.

It was very nice being able to go out with Lily on my own, it gave me a sense of independence that I haven’t really had since before she was born.  Even though I needed help to get her in and out of the car, I was still out on my own, relying slightly less on other people to help me get around.  And, I know that I will continue to be more independent over the next couple of weeks until I am fully independent again – and I can’t wait!

In May 2011, I found out I was pregnant after more than a year of trying to conceive.  I had really given up hope, believing that there must have been something wrong with me and was waiting for an appointment with a specialist.  The positive pregnancy tests felt like miracles all on their own.  I had a fairly easy pregnancy, minor morning sickness in my first trimester, but I got used to that, and cramps throughout, but for the most part I was able to continue working – in child care with infants and teaching dance – right up until the end of 2011.  My baby was due in the middle of January.

There were a few things that I knew from the start I wanted, or didn’t want, when it came time for my labour and delivery.  I wanted a natural birth, no drugs, no induction.  Now, I know that you cannot plan the birth of your child and it rarely goes as planned, but I really tried to go through with my plan.  I was born 2 weeks and 6 days late, I was a healthy baby, therefore, I saw no reason to have my baby induced any earlier than 3 weeks.  This is a problem for doctors, as much as they WANT to let you do things your way when it comes to the birth of your child, they have a very difficult time letting you go past one week over.

I was due on a Saturday, the following Tuesday I had an appointment with my doctor.  She did the usual check, listen to the heartbeat and measure to make sure the baby is still growing normally, and she checked my cervix (for the first time), she had intended to do a membrane sweep to help get things started so that I would be able to have my baby naturally without induction.  The only problem was, my cervix was still closed and still very posterior, there was no way she could do a sweep.  She also asked me how I would like to proceed now that I was past my due date, I told her I did not want to be induced and an ultrasound was set for Friday and an appointment was set for the following Tuesday with my doctor.

The ultrasound went great, the baby received a score of 8/8 meaning that she was moving, breathing and the placenta was still in great shape.  Again on Tuesday, regular check up with a check on my cervix with intent to sweep – still closed and posterior, no sweep.  At this point I was more than a week past my due date, my doctor is not feeling comfortable allowing me pass the two week mark.  We come to a compromise that I will go into the induction clinic on the following Monday, close enough to the two weeks that she is not overly worried about it, but far enough along that I feel comfortable with the appointment as well.  I also had another ultrasound on the Tuesday, another 8/8, everything looks fine, no cause for worry.  I get a call shortly after leaving my ultrasound telling me that the appointment at the induction clinic will actually be the following day – I am not pleased.  I call the induction clinic, feeling very angry that they have not scheduled me for the date requested, to find out that it is because they will not allow me to pass the two week mark without coming in to see them – new compromise, I schedule an appointment for the Friday, the day before the two week mark, the same day as my next ultrasound.

Got the ultrasound done first, 8/8 once again, everything is still looking fine.  Then off to the induction clinic where I feared the worst.  With all the pressure to go to the induction clinic sooner, I assumed they would pressure me into induction sooner.  However, to my surprise, they were very understanding, a little hesitant, but understanding of my wishes.  The doctor at the induction clinic checked my cervix and did a membrane sweep, my cervix was still not dilated, but she was able to do a sweep.  Another appointment was made for the induction clinic for Monday, but the hope was that the sweep would get things moving along over the weekend.

Friday afternoon and evening I had some cramping, as to be expected after a membrane sweep, but no contractions yet.  By Saturday evening I was having regular contractions 7 minutes apart, not close enough to warrant a trip to the hospital, but close enough to keep me awake all night.  The contractions carried on through Sunday, still 7 minutes apart, but quite strong – another sleepless night.  Monday we had another ultrasound and another appointment at the induction clinic.  I was first admitted to Early Labour Assessment in the hopes that my appointments would not be necessary.  I was only slightly dilated, so I was sent for my ultrasound and to the induction clinic as planned.  Another 8/8 in the ultrasound, another membrane sweep at the induction clinic.  They scheduled me for induction on the Wednesday (that would be February, that was the date on which I told myself I would allow induction), but I was also sent back to Early Labour Assessment to be assessed again in the hopes that the baby would be born before Wednesday.  This time, I was dilated about 1.5 cm, not much, but a pretty big change from the morning.  They allowed me to stay for a while in a birthing room, to be assessed a little later.  I was assessed again around 5:30pm, no change, and then assessed again 2 hours later, still no change.  No point to stay in the hospital now, I can stay awake in the discomfort of the hospital birthing room, or in the comfort of my own home – we left.  The contractions became more unbearable later in the evening, but still about 7 minutes apart.  I was ready to go back into the hospital, the pain had become more than I could handle.  I took some tylenol to keep me comfortable in the car on the drive back to the hospital.  Then we had a non-contraction-induced chat about heading back into the hospital and I came to my senses, there was no point in going to the hospital to be sent home again.  Luckily, I had already taken some tylenol and was able to get short periods of rest through the night.  The contractions didn’t seem as bad in the morning, so we decided to head into town, do some shopping for my nephews birthdays and see if the walking through the mall would get things going – it did.  The contractions came on quite strong at the mall, causing me to have to stop walking until they passed each time.  We left the mall and headed back to the hospital, were sent to Early Labour Assessment where my cervix was checked again – I was now 3 cm.  There was definitely some change, but the baby was not coming any time soon.  We left the hospital with the intentions of returning after supper, but it was my nephews’ birthday dinner, and we had to eat so we figured we might as well eat with family.

We returned to the hospital after dinner, they put us in a birth unit for the evening and checked in on me periodically, but we were mostly on our own through the night.  The contractions we strong, I took some tylenol to try to ease the pain so I could get some rest, that night, the tylenol did not help.  Around 6am my cervix was checked again and I was at about 5 cm, they declared me in active labour.  The nurse that would be with us for the day came in and informed me that I would not be allowed to eat once I was in active labour, but she got me a slice of toast before officially starting in the room with me.  At 8:30 am, my doctor arrived at the hospital to break my water.  Then, things got interesting.  The contractions began piling on top of one another, they were not regular and they lasted longer than normal.  As the day progressed, they became more and more intense with less time between.  At noon, an oxytocin drip was started because I was not progressing enough.  Around 6pm, I could not take the pain and opted for the nitrous oxide to help me through, I was only allowed to use it for 2 hours, but I felt like that would be enough relief to help me get through the rest.  My mother arrived shortly after taking the nitrous oxide.  Between contractions, I looked at my mother, and the nurse who was with us all day (she was 37 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child at the time), and I said, I do not understand why anyone in their right mind would choose to do this more than once.  By 7:00pm, when my doctor returned to the hospital, I was 7 cm.  I had a fever at this point and was given antibiotics to make sure the baby would not get an infection.  The monitor was having a hard time picking up the baby’s heartbeat, it kept switching back and forth between the baby’s heartbeat and mine.  A scalp monitor was put on my baby’s head – something else I did not want.  We were shown the scalp monitors in our prenatal class, it is held to the baby’s head by a small metal spring that is screwed into the scalp – I knew the baby wouldn’t remember it, and might not even feel it, but it seems rather cruel to me and I didn’t want it.  I was not given a choice.  The plan for the evening was explained to me – first, the monitor on the baby’s head, then, an epidural and finally, if things did not progress, c-section.  I broke down, cried uncontrollably – I just couldn’t believe that it was happening this way and that there was nothing I could do to change it.  The anesthesiologist arrived and explained to me that they would not give me the epidural if I did not want it, but it really was no longer an option, with an impending c-section my choices were; have them stick the epidural in my back and be awake when my baby was born, or opt out of the epidural and be unconscious when my baby was born.  The second was not an option.  The anesthesiologist explained to the student that was with him that it is always harder to give an epidural to a woman who doesn’t really want it.  It was probably the most unpleasant part of the whole experience, the feeling like electricity shooting down my left leg, and then not to be able to feel my legs, as a dancer, was very difficult.  But, on the bright side, I did manage to get some sleep after that.  For some people, especially people in a situation like the one I was in, the epidural helps things to progress by allowing them to relax – this was not the case for me.  At 11:30pm, the operating room was about to be available for my c-section, so my cervix was checked again to see if I had progressed and would be able to deliver vaginally – still 7 cm.  We were prepped for surgery.  Scott was given scrubs so he could be there with me and I was given more antibiotics and a disgusting liquid to chug to stop me from getting sick during the procedure – it didn’t work.  The procedure was explained to me in more detail, I was assured that it would be a very quick surgery and the longest part would be the stitching me up at the end.  I was wheeled to the operating room where they asked me to slide myself onto the operating table – using my numb body, didn’t really work very well.  Once I was on the table, the tilted it to the left ever so slightly so that I would feel like I was going to fall to the floor during the entire procedure.  They upped the anesthetic in the epidural to the point where I could not feel the majority of my torso or my legs, this caused uncontrollable shivering to the point where I felt that I could not breathe.  I remember asking several times if I had a baby yet, the answer was always no.  Then, they said it was a girl.  Scott left and trimmed the cord, then he carried our baby girl back to me so that I could see her.  It was so hard not to be able to hold her right away, but it felt amazing to be able to see her and kiss her.

We arrived in the operating room at 12am and Lily was born at 12:40am and we were in the recovery room shortly after 1am.  Lily was placed on my chest for some much needed skin on skin time.  As soon as I was holding her, all the pain and disappointment of the last four days dissipated and didn’t matter anymore, she was amazing!  I looked at Scott and told him that I understand now why people choose to do this more than once.  Our temperatures were taken and I once again had a fever and Lily’s temperature was high too, but they didn’t know if she had a fever or if it was simply because she had been laying on my overheating body.  We were made to wait for another half an hour to have her temperature taken again before we were able to be moved to a room – Lily no longer had a fever and we were taken upstairs.

The first day was fabulous, we were smitten with our baby girl and everything seemed to be going right.  I was trying to nurse her, which wasn’t working so well, but I knew that it would be hard for the first few days until my milk came in.  By the end of the day, however, the nurse convinced us that we should give her some formula so that she would not get too hungry, we agreed with her, we didn’t want to starve her.  In the morning, the next nurse seemed to think that was not a good idea, and told me all new things about trying to nurse.  So, on day 2 I tried to follow the new nurses ideas.  At the end of day 2, nursing still wasn’t going well and Lily was VERY hungry.  We gave her more formula and the nurse came up with a plan for us for the next day, I would try to nurse her first, then if she wouldn’t nurse we would give her formula and then I would pump to try to get the milk flowing to make nursing easier for her.  This sounded like a good plan, I stuck to it for the whole day, was never able to pump more than a few drops and Lily got a lot of formula.  Day 3 was much more successful, Lily had a full belly and was happy, I felt like we were perhaps making some progress in the nursing department and I was happy.  Day 4, our discharge day, I stopped pumping, I was still trying to nurse before giving her formula, but I was ready to go home and didn’t want to pump anymore.  By the end of day 4, Lily was screaming at me when I would try to nurse, she didn’t want to have to try to nurse before getting the formula, so I began giving her just formula.  On day 5, I got a call from a public health nurse who was willing to come to my house to try to help us work out our nursing issues.  She brought a nifty gadget that would give Lily formula while I was trying to nurse her.  This was fabulous, Lily stopped screaming at me when I would try to nurse, she would even stay latched on for several seconds, maybe even a minute, before getting milk.  I used this at every feeding for the next few days.  On the fourth day of using this lovely little gadget, I felt like Lily must be getting some breast milk when she is feeding, so I gave her a smaller amount of formula, when the formula was gone I put the gadget away and tried to nurse her without it, she began screaming at me again like she had been before.  This caused me a great deal of stress, I had not been concerned about breast feeding before she was born, I had intended to try, but if it didn’t work I was okay with formula, but after having a c-section I felt like nursing was the only thing I had left and I was determined to do it.  That was the final straw, however, when she began screaming at me for taking away the formula, I knew that we would not be able to nurse, it was becoming far too stressful for both of us and it wasn’t worth it.

I had a very hard time with both of these things.  The c-section made me feel like a failure as a mother.  I was told that there was no way I would have been able to give birth to her, she was just too big, but I still felt like this was a failure, like it said something about me as a person, and as a mother.  Then, the difficulty with breast feeding added to this.  It was supposed to be my redemption, to create that bond that I felt like I was missing with my newborn infant, but instead it created stress and tears.  I still struggle with these things from time to time.  When we are up at night and she is crying uncontrollably and I can’t figure out how to soothe her, I find myself wondering if it would have been different if I had been able to give birth to her naturally or if I had been able to nurse her.  I ask myself if I had been able to do those things, would my bond with my baby girl be stronger, would I be able to soothe her easier, would I be able to know what was making her so upset and meet the needs that she was trying to tell me were not being met?  Really, I will never know if it would have made a difference, and when I look at her – and she is happy – I know none of that matters, she is happy and healthy, and we will do everything we can to keep it that way, and I think she knows that, too.